Ohara Man and Matsuura Boy
by Shiny the Strange
Summary: After witnessing Mari terrorize their friends with constant SpongeBob SquarePants references, Kanan decides to watch the show for herself.


**crack time! as per usual, this is also available on my AO3. please enjoy!**

* * *

"All right pinhead, your time is up!" Mari, wearing a cowboy hat, leapt into the water. Her hat flew off and landed on Dia's face.

Kanan frowned. She looked at Dia, then back to Mari. "Who you calling pinhead?"

Mari laughed. "Ooh, did you watch it again, too?"

Dia placed the hat back on Mari's head and groaned. "Great, do I have to deal with _both_ of you making references to that cartoon?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Kanan. "I didn't realise there was a reference to a cartoon in anything we were saying."

Eyes widening, Mari clutched Kanan's shoulders. "You mean you weren't playing along? How could this be?"

"I don't understand what you're talking about," said Kanan.

Sighing, Dia brought a hand to her forehead. "Didn't you hear? Mari's rewatching SpongeBob. She's been quoting it non-stop for the past couple days. I'd never seen it myself until she made me sit through a marathon of it. I'm surprised you never got any of her texts while you were gone."

"Oh, no, I got them. I just figured it was Mari being Mari." Kanan raised an eyebrow. "SpongeBob? You mean that American cartoon with the talking sponge? I've never seen any of it."

Mari gasped. "Kanan! How could you have never watched SpongeBob SquarePants?"

"I never watched many cartoons, you know that," said Kanan.

"That's going to change! You're coming over to my room to watch my SpongeBob DVDs on my shiny new projector!" cried Mari, shaking Kanan as best as she could in the water.

Kanan grinned. "Okay, okay, I'll come watch with you later this week."

"Hooray!" Mari let go of Kanan and slapped her hat against the water.

"Hey, are we going to sit around talking about cartoons or swim out to that place you were telling us about, Kanan?"

"Of course. If we get there in time, we can watch the sun go down!"

"Yes! Let's watch the sunset with Squidward," said Mari. "Then we can swim home—at night!"

Dia looked as if she were on the verge of tears.

Kanan entered Dia's house to find Mari and Ruby sitting on the floor.

"…And that's how I lost me millionth dollar," said Mari.

Ruby's eyes lit up. "Wow! How much yen is a million dollars?"

Mari chuckled and said the exact number. Ruby screamed.

Dia entered the room with such velocity that everyone jumped. She glared at Mari, hands on hips. "Hey, what's going on out here? Why are you screaming, Ruby?"

"N-Nothing's wrong! I was just a little surprised," said Ruby.

Kanan nodded. "You know what Mari is like with money."

"Oh, hi Kanan!" said Ruby. Dia and Mari followed suit.

"Did you only arrive just now?" asked Dia.

"Well, I arrived in time to see you rush to Ruby's rescue."

A blush spread across Dia's face. "A-Actually, the reason I came over so quickly is that I was already coming over to tell everyone that the pizza place called. The order is going to be ready soon, so Mari and I should leave to get it now."

"Pizza? We haven't had that in a while. Whose idea was that?"

"Who do you think," deadpanned Dia.

"The Krusty Krab Pizza!" Mari stood and ran to the door. "You wanna come, Kanan?"

"I—"

"Stop right there!" Dia pointed at Mari. "Kanan hasn't even sat down yet! Kanan, stay here and wait for us to get back."

"You sure? I don't really mind going back out."

"Yes, stay here," said Dia.

"No, come with us!" said Mari.

"I think I'll stay and keep Ruby company."

"Whether you come or not, penny, chip, and used napkin can keep her company!"

Silence. Nobody spoke for several seconds.

"…Let's go, Mari," said Dia, shaking her head.

"Aww, okay. See you two—" she made a noise that sounded like a dolphin— "later!"

Dia growled as she shut the door behind her.

Ruby turned to Kanan. "Was it really such a good idea to let those two go alone…?"

"I'm sure your sister will let Mari know when she's had enough," said Kanan. "Now, what should we do?"

"Well, Mari left this game that's supposedly based off a real treasure map here," said Ruby, motioning to the board game on the table.

The two played the game for some time. Kanan doubted that it had been based off a real treasure map, or at least one that hadn't already been used to find treasure. Part of her wished that it was still intact and that there really was treasure to find, though. Throughout the process, the lights kept flickering on and off.

"Is there something wrong with the power?" Kanan looked out the window. Not a cloud was in the sky. "It's not like it's storming…"

"I-If Mari were here, she'd probably say it was something scary," said Ruby.

"Like the Hash-Slinging Slasher?" said a voice that wasn't Kanan's.

Ruby shrieked.

At the door stood Dia and Mari, the latter holding the pizza with a shit-eating grin on her face. Was this yet another SpongeBob reference? Kanan really needed to check the series out.

Dia elbowed Mari. "Cut it _out_! You've already driven me mad with all your talk of pioneers on the way back home, can you stop making references for five seconds?"

Mari's smile fell. "Huh? That wasn't me, though!"

Alarm struck Dia's face. "Wait, it wasn't?"

The lights flickered once more. Everyone looked to the side.

There she was, next to the light switch – Yohane.

Mari waggled her finger. "Nosferatu!"

Everyone else screamed.

Knocking on the door, Kanan waited. During the events of the previous night, Mari had accidentally left her board game at the Kurosawa house. Kanan volunteered to bring it back, as she had planned to visit Mari the next day anyway.

Opening the door, Mari beamed. "Yay! You made it!" She hugged Kanan before leading her inside.

"I brought you your game," said Kanan, placing it on the living room table. "It was actually pretty fun. I had to convince Dia and Ruby to let me bring it back to you, rather than letting them keeping it for themselves and going on a real treasure hunt."

"Ooh, that reminds me! Did you know I invited Dia over today as well? When I called her here, she screamed a 'no' out and hung up right away! She's missing out…" said Mari, slumping onto the couch.

"I think she's had enough of your memes for now, and we did hang out just last night," said Kanan. "Now, where's that essay you wanted me to proofread?"

Reaching over, Mari grabbed a piece of paper. She handed it to Kanan. "Here it is!"

Kanan examined the paper. A very fancy, handwritten "The" was the only word on it.

"This is…"

"It's joke! I haven't even started my essay!" said Mari, giggling.

"Okay, you know what?" Kanan slammed her hand on the table. "We're watching those SpongeBob DVDs of yours, right now."

Mari stared for a moment before a massive grin spread onto her face. "Really? You don't even want me to work on my essay first?"

"No matter what Dia or I say, you always leave it to the last minute anyway," said Kanan.

Within seconds, Mari had seemingly warped to the DVD player. She started the projector. "I had some on last night. I'll show you the episode I was referencing when I showed you my essay first."

"Aaugh!" Yoshiko flailed a picture around. "I accidentally got paint on Chika's copy of our first picture together as Aqours! Soon, this picture will burn in the same circle of hell I do…"

"Wait, Yohane, we're not cavewomen!" Hanamaru motioned to Chika's laptop. "We have technology, zura!"

"No! Don't slam the laptop on the picture!"

Maru raised an eyebrow. "…What exactly have you been doing during Guilty Kiss meetings lately?"

"Wow." Kanan stared at the screen. "That was interesting. I think we all know how SpongeBob feels about his essay, huh?"

"But did you like it?" Mari leaned close to Kanan's face.

Kanan smiled. "Yes. I can understand why people like it, and why _you_ like it so much."

"Do you want to watch more, from the very beginning?"

"Sure, let's do it!"

"You could've just printed a new one instead of licking it, you know," said Riko, frowning at Chika from her balcony.

Chika rubbed the back of her neck. "Ehehehe…I guess I could've done that…"

"S-Sorry for being so loud, Riko." Yoshiko hung her head. "We only wanted to earn some extra money by painting Chika's room…."

Riko sighed. "It's just that your banter made me make a mistake on my painting. Let me show you." She walked back into her house.

"This whole situation sounds like that SpongeBob episode where he and Patrick paint Mr. Krabs's house," said You.

Maru cocked her head. "SpongeBob? What's that?"

"Only the best cartoon ever!" Chika raised her fists.

You put a hand on Maru's shoulder. "Hey, do you want to try watching some right now?"

"Hmmm…okay, zura!"

"Yes! Let's do it!" Chika leaned out the window. "Hey, Riko! Do you want to watch SpongeBob with us?"

No response.

"Hey, come on!" Reaching down, Chika picked up her slippers. She threw one at the balcony, aiming for Riko's window. When it didn't land far enough, she threw the other slipper.

The slipper ended up hitting Riko's face as she walked out with her painting. She slipped and tumbled backwards. "Ouch!"

"Oops…."

"You should probably let me throw the slipper next time," said You.

"Chika, no! You killed her!" cried Yoshiko. "We can't go to jail!"

Riko stood and rubbed her forehead. "I'm not dead!"

"Oh…I'm glad you didn't have the same fate as the health inspector," said Yoshiko.

"Sorry, Riko!" yelled Chika. "Is the painting okay?"

"It's the same as it was before." Riko held the painting up for everyone to see: from the shoulders down it depicted a human body in a schoolgirl uniform.

The head was Squidward's.

Chika clasped her hands together. "Wow, you really captured his beauty!"

"T-That's not the point!" Hiding the painting behind her back, Riko looked away.

Chika giggled nervously. "Anyway, do you want to watch SpongeBob with us?"

Riko's eyes widened. She took several steps backwards until she was in her house, shutting the screen door in front of her. "Please, no more SpongeBob! Goodnight!" And with that, she fully retreated into her room.

"Huh, that was weird." Chika turned around. "Yohane, do you want to—wait, where'd she go?"

"Look over there!" said Maru, pointing in the direction of Riko's house.

Everyone turned to see Yoshiko standing in Riko's room, panting in front of a once again visible Riko.

"Yoshiko, when did you get there?" asked You.

The two girls looked over. Yoshiko grimaced before yelling at the top of her lungs, "My name's! Not! Yoshikooo!" She closed the sliding glass door and pulled the blinds down.

Chika and everyone else's faces held the same dumbfounded expression.

Humming Ocean Man, Kanan drummed her fingers on the table.

"Hey, Mari, I think the movie is over—" Kanan looked down to see Mari fast asleep, the upper half of her body on the floor and the lower on the couch. Drool pooled at the side of her mouth.

Kanan blinked. She looked outside, suddenly noticing that it had gotten brighter outside. Her eyes were sore and her stomach rumbled.

"Mmmmm…" Yawning, Mari opened her eyes. "Where are we…? What did we do last night?"

"We're in your room, and we watched the entire first season and the SpongeBob movie," said Kanan. "I think we were up all night…we probably look like SpongeBob and Patrick after their night at Goofy Goobers right now. Not healthy at all."

"Aqours should sing the Goofy Goobers song," moaned Mari, fixing her position and sitting up.

A phone buzzed. Mari picked it up and turned on speakerphone.

"Hi! Is this a good time?" asked the caller, who sounded like You. It probably _was_ You, but Kanan was so exhausted that she wasn't sure.

"No, this is Mari," said Mari as she hung the phone up.

They sat doing nothing for a while. Kanan could hardly believe she had managed to stay awake and attentive to the show for as long as she had. Somehow, it did seem as quotable as Mari made it seem.

Not that she would quote it on the same level as her. It would be funny to see Dia's reaction to the whole thing, though.

"Hey….do you think we should eat breakfast now?" asked Kanan.

"Sleepy." Mari clutched a pillow and fell to the side.

"I think I'll leave then."

"Okay. I hope you had as much fun as I did last night!"

"I sure did." Kanan headed for the door. "There's one last thing I need to say before I go, though."

"Oh? What is it?"

"Write your essay before your hotel catches on fire." She smiled.

"Quick, everyone be quiet!" said Dia.

Each member of Aqours sat in a line on a bleacher, eagerly waiting for Kanan to sing.

Mari sat directly across from Kanan. She winked.

Kanan winked back as she did a stretch. "You all ready for this?"

A unanimous, enthusiastic "YES!" came from the audience.

Taking a deep breath, Kanan begun:

"F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me! N is for anywhere and any time at all—"

"Down here in the deep blue sea!" joined in Mari.

The audience briefly paused before it broke into cacophony. Yoshiko screamed, Riko put her face into her hands, and Dia looked like she was about to explode. Everyone else cheered and clapped.

"You know, I kind of hate you right now," said Dia. Her cheeks reddened. "Of all the covers you could've done, you chose _that_? I mean, you sounded good while singing it, but d-don't think that means I liked the song! I think I'm going to leave now."

"I was just playing around, Dia. Don't leave yet," said Kanan. "You're going to miss my duet!"

"Y-Your duet? With who?"

Kanan high fived Mari as she came up and stood next to her.

"Are ya ready kids?"

"Aye, aye, captain!" shouted Mari.

"I can't hear you!"

Everyone except Dia joined in. "AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!"

"Oooooh…who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"

"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!"

Dia's face continued to redden.

"Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!"

"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!"

Dia put her hands on her temples.

"If nautical nonsense be something ya wish—"

"THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH!" suddenly screamed Dia. She glanced around, face at maximum redness. "I-I mean, boo, you stink!"

After a moment of hesitation, everyone else chimed in, "SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!"

"Oooh, I like where this is going," whispered Mari.

"Ready?" said Dia.

"SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! SPONGEBOB…SQUAREPANTS!"

Dia cackled like Patchy the Pirate.

Everyone gave a standing ovation, the third-year students all taking a bow.

"I knew you liked it all along, sis!" said Ruby.

"Q-Quiet, you."

Mari tackled Dia, hugging her hard. "Hey, Dia, if you liked it, does that mean we can sing it in front of a bigger audience?"

"Absolutely not."


End file.
